Miss April May's Hot Tips Archive!

An Interview With Miss April May By Darcy Malone — EDITOR'S NOTE — Darcy Moline is secretary of the Ana Jorges Fan Club, and a regular contributor to the FreeLook BookStore. In addition to writing short stories and poetry, she occasionally works as a photo model, an actress, and is an award-winning tap dancer and baton twirler. After corresponding with her for several years, I finally met April May last month, in person, at a fan club we both belong to. I took the liberty of cornering her and getting the interview below, which I taped on my new Philips Pocket Memo 9220 Digital Voice Recorder I got for Christmas. First thing: I was struck by how young Miss May is. Honestly, I thought that the "Miss" was either an honorific title, or a pen name. But the truth is really is single, guys... And her name really is April May. (Her mother's name is "June" -- no kidding.) April has bright red hair, comes from Vancouver, and reminds me a little of a wholesome looking Canadian Jennifer Lopez. We talked for about twenty minutes. Here are the high points of our conversation: Darcy — So April, I'm really surprised. What are you, like around sixteen years old? April May — I don't now if I should be flattered or not. I was born in 1980, so you can do the math... Darcy — And you're single? April May — I'm engaged to this guy I met many years ago in high school. I won't mention his name because he's a bit shy. It's the second time we've been engaged, so I'm thinking I should be discrete. Darcy — In addition to writing April May's Hot Tips, do you do anything else? April May — I'm a student. I'm studying home economics at UBC (University of British Columbia.) Darcy — Home Economics? Sounds interesting. So what's that about? Like, how to shop and cook? April May — (A bit icily.) I'm working on a doctorate. My dissertation is "Evidence for Estimates with Consideration For Bio-Nutrition." I guess it's a little bit like shopping and cooking, except instead of shopping you're mainly working with spreadsheets, and instead of cooking your performing spectrographic analysis. Darcy — Oh. I see. So are you going to be Dr. April May? April May — That's my plan. (Here the conversation sort of lapses. April starts clamming up. I think I might have offended her, so I proceed carefully...) Darcy — So, April. Do you have any tips for me? April May — Actually I do. I just ran across an interesting one, dealing with perfume. Do you know that you can dramatically dilute perfume without changing the scent or potency? The trick: don't dilute the perfume in its bottle! That might ruin it. Instead, splash some warm to hot water on your skin before applying the perfume, and let the air dry you off. You will have a better distribution across your skin, and your perfume will last much longer! The warm water is important, because it opens your pores up a bit and really disperses the scent of the perfume. Darcy — Wow. I that's a pretty good one. Hey, here's a question. What's the best remedy for a hangover? April May — That's an interesting question. As it turns out, a lot of studies have shown that there isn't anyway to actually avoid a hangover. It's strictly a metabolic thing for people. The best way to cope with a hangover is to take tradition pain killer (in moderation of course), and fluids. But the number one thing you can do is get exercise, because that helps the body get rid of toxins, increase circulation, and helps get oxygen into your system. The worst thing you can do? Try to sleep it off! Studies seem to show that the traditional remedies (vitamins, honey, and so on) don't have any substantial effects. Darcy — I know from your columns you're into real-estate. I've been thinking about buying some land in Florida. Is that a good idea? April May — I have a lot of experience in Real Estate. I've always been interested in the economics of real estate. I think it is still the number one investment you can make. The rule when buying real estate is so simple that I feel kind of stupid repeating it here -- but it is amazing how few people don't know that rule! Its simply: location, location, location! Study the location and see if it's somewhere you want to live. I'm not sure about Florida, but I know it is one of the hottest real estate markets in the USA right now, maybe even in the world! Do some investigation, Darcy. Talk with several reputable real estate agents and get feedback. Remember that Real Estate agents are certified and have a fiduciary responsibility to tell you the truth. Darcy — You know, my boyfriend (okay, he's really my ex-boyfriend) often commented about my level of organization (okay, he called me a clutter bug.) What do you think would be the best way to get organized? April May — That's a huge topic! To really do it justice, we probably need to break it down. Here is the main thing: Start anywhere, and start small! Sometimes people want to attack the biggest problem first. That is usually a mistake! Because, you are putting yourself into a situation where its difficult to see progress. It is better to start with something small, and chip away at it. If you start big, you'll exhaust yourself at the start. It's a lot like running a marathon race. You start slow and save your strength for the end. Another mistake: spending too much time sorting stuff. Don't get bogged down in finding a place for every little thing. One thing that you can try is this: get some boxes. Dump everything into these boxes. Seal them up, with a short description of what they contain. Put them in the closet, garage, or storage area. You will be amazed at how fast you can make things happen. Don't try for the grand system. That may make sense for curators and accountants. For most people, simple and fast is much better. Darcy — Okay! Make's sense! Now, let me ask you some personal questions. Do you have any hobbies? April May — Oh yes! One of my favorite hobbies is mountain biking. I actually biked 600 miles last summer on a road trip from British Columbia to San Francisco, and then back! It was a great trip. I have a lot of tips about traveling. Too many to mention really... Darcy — Wow! A 1200 mile bike trip. Well, that's something I don't think I'll be trying any time soon. How about books? What are your favorites? April May — Of course, there's the whole Ana Jorge series. You know that. But I also enjoy modern romance. I confess. I like Jacky Collins! Also, I like fantasy. I just finished reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "One Hundred Years of Solitude". An amazing work! Before that, I read Steve Martin's book, "The Pleasure of my Company". Really very good! April May — What about movies? What are your favorites? April May — That's a dead end for me. I don't watch movies or TV. The last movie I saw was the second Matrix movie. I haven't seen a movie since. That was what? Several years ago? April May — Yeah. That second Matrix movie really disappointed! Let's go back to books. I have a lot of books and magazines that I just can't seem to keep organized. I'm always losing them, and then buying another copy, and then finding the original book again. Any tips for a simple way to organize my books and magazines? April May — Hmmm. That's a tough one. First, I assume you have book shelves, and you've tried to organize your books by topic. Try this: organize your books by size and color! First of all, they will look a lot better on your shelf, and second of all its much easier to remember the general size and color of a book. It's a mnemonic device, and it's surprisingly effective. Try it! As for old magazines and newspapers, take this from me: just throw them away. Magazines are not meant to be collected and saved. That's what libraries are for. Especially now, in the era of the Internet, it's easy just to set time limit on your magazines, and toss them when you reach that time. By all means, keep them for a couple of weeks on your coffee table, but rotate them out! Don't feel guilty if you can't read all parts of a magazine. Studies show that you get more out of the first three minutes of looking at a newspaper or magazine than any other time. I know that sounds incredible, it goes to the idea of first impressions. It works at a subconscious level. Of course, I am assuming you aren't a collector. Collecting magazines is a great hobby. You mentioned hobbies before. I am a great collector of magazines. I bind them up, have a special shelf for them, keep them organized by topics. But be sure you understand: there is a lot of work to maintaining any collection. You have to distinguish between collections and clutter. It's a pretty easy distinction to make. One more thing. I won't nag you on the benefits of recycling, but I'm a big conservationist. Recycling works! If you are feeling guilty about throwing away magazines and newspapers, know that when you recycle this stuff it really helps the economy. Importantly, it helps keep paper costs down, which influences the cost of almost everything we buy. Darcy — Of all the hot tips you've collected, do you have a favorite? April May — Not really. They just kind of come and go. I will say this: I have pretty high standards as to what constitutes a true "tip", as opposed to "a suggestion." In order for it to be a "tip", it has to have a certain "saliency", and it has to have a certain "thrift" factor. I think I'm special there in the realm of online advisors. I think a lot of help columns are actually just trying to sell you something. I respect that. But I would never do that myself. Take a look at my columns. Not a single one of my tips could ever be construed as a sales job! Darcy — Saliency? What you mean by that? April May — The term "salient" is actually derived from a military term. It's a battlefield position, where you have a rampart or phalanx that meets the enemy head on. It's a formation that projects into an enemy's position. So my tips have to be like that. They have to help you do battle against the problems of life. Darcy — You mean, life's vicissitudes? April May — Exactly. Life changes unexpectedly, and you have to cope with those changes. So my tips help you with that. Life's little vicissitudes. Hey. Did you get that word from my column? Darcy — (Now its my turn to be a bit icy.) I know what vicissitude and saliency are. I was just asking about you're personal meanings. (Now I'm feeling bad, because I sound too defensive.) For example, April, you said your tips have to be salient and thrifty. What do you mean by "thrift?" April May — Thrift. You save money, of course. But thrift has another meaning, as you know. Thrift means "conservative". I told you before I am big conservationist. But its more than that. I am also an economist. And "thrift" has a very important meaning for me. I have to explain: There is a paradox associated with thriftiness. According to Keynesian economic theory, an increase in thriftiness always reduces production. So the more thrifty you are, the less production you have. Amazingly, this has been demonstrated many times by studies of real-world macro-economics, and this has always been a point of confusion for me. It makes a person question whether thrift is good. Poor Richard's Almanac (Ben Franklin) made a big deal about thrift. Was Ben Franklin wrong? After literally years of thought on this subject, I have concluded no! I've formulated a counter theory that describes how "thrift" is actually a great way of increasing productivity. This runs directly against Keynesian models, but I think a lot of economists are rejecting that model more and more. I'll spare you the details of my theory. But basically, the more thrifty you are, the more room you have to increase innovation, and therefore production. Sorry, that's probably a bit too deep for this interview. I'm getting carried away. Darcy — No! Not at all! I agree a hundred percent. Thrift is good! It's part of the "Girl Scout Oath" you know... April May — No it isn't, Darcy. I was a girl scout. The oath goes like this: "I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and be responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, and to make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout." Except for "use resources wisely", the Girl Scout Oath doesn't say anything about "thrift". I think you are referring to the "Boy Scout Law", which says something about "cheerful, thrifty, and brave, clean, and reverent." Darcy — Whatever. So, do you have any final words for this interview? April May — Hmmm. I guess I would add some parting words of thanks to all the people who send me letters. I really appreciate your feedback, and although I almost never answer anyone back, I always read your letters carefully. It's been great to run the column over the last few years and I will continue running it for a long time to come. You can count on that! Also, I want to thank the FreeLook BookStore for giving me a venue to run my column. They work very hard over there, and I really appreciate what they are doing with e-books, education, and entertainment. Finally, since we talked about "thrift", I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotations on the subject: "Be thrifty, but not covetous." I think that this simple rule, so obvious to me, is so often violated by people. Be happy with what you have, and be happy with what you have still to achieve! If you can do these two things, then life will be great for you. And that's the best tip I can give you.

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