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Bonus Joke from Roz
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven, and at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and St. Peter says, "Forrest, it's certainly good to see you, but I must tell you that the place has been filling up so fast that we've started giving an entrance examination. You have to pass a test before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest answers, "Mighty good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, I shore hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a pretty big test as it was."
St. Peter says, "The test is only three questions, Forrest. The first one is: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? The second one is: How many seconds are there in a year? And the third one is: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over, and he returns the next day.
St. Peter waves him over and says, "All right, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one was: which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? And shucks, thats easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he says, "Well, Forrest, that's not what I was expecting, but you do have a point, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?"
Forrest says, "How many seconds in a year? That one's harder, but I thunk and I thunk about it, and I guess the answer has to be twelve."
Astounded, St . Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from the song. . .
"Andy Walks With Me, Andy Talks With Me, Andy tells me I am his own. . .
Motherhood — What They Say
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring.
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a new driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices.
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
Somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten . . or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
Somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
Somebody isn't a mother.
You know what? All that goes for fathers, too! And never you forget it!
Hee-hee!
Okay, that's it unless you want . . .A whole bunch MORE Jokes
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